LEADERSHIP: VIEWED THROUGH A FAMILY SYSTEMS LENS
by
There are multiple perspectives
from which one can try to understand the concept of "leadership."
When viewed through a family systems lens, I understand leadership as a
functioning position that is present in all relational systems. From this
perspective, how that position is filled - - how the "leader" is
present in the system - - is the crucial issue. A system will either benefit or
suffer from the way the leader is present because the functioning of the leader
(or leaders) affects the emotional processes themselves.
As Edwin Friedman applied Bowen
Family Systems Theory to leadership, he focused upon Bowen's core concept of self-differentiation.
As he spoke and wrote about leadership through self-differentiation,
"through" was always the determinative word. His emphasis was upon
the direct relationship between the leadership function of a person and her or
his self-differentiation. He maintained that when the "L" position is
occupied by a leader who is moving forward in his/her own process of
self-differentiation, any system stands the best chance of dealing creatively
with - - rather than simply reacting to - - change and challenge.
When leadership is understood
in this way, the crucial question becomes: how does one do it - - be it? To
phrase the question differently, if leadership is about "being," what
are the qualities of leaders engaged in the process of self-differentiation?
Friedman taught that there are
at least three dimensions to leadership understood in this way:
self-regulation, self-definition, connectedness and response to resistance. I
label them "dimensions" because it seems to me that they are
inextricably bound to one another. To examine them individually may be
practically helpful, but in doing so we should not forget that each one is
simply one dimension of a unified process being lived out by unique human
beings. These are not "three tips for would-be leaders" or
"three simple steps to more effective parenting or pastoring."
Rather they are some of the more visible signs of the presence of the life-long
process of growing "self" from the inside, as contrasted to the
pseudo-self acquired from others.
(1) Self-regulation.
Friedman often referred to this as "non-anxious presence." I prefer
language that keeps us focused upon the difficult and challenging process of
regulating one's own anxiety. I've never met a non-anxious person. In fact, the
term is in direct contradiction to a basic tenet of Bowen Theory; the theory is
about anxiety! It assumes that the basic human issue is anxiety. And this is
meant to include much more than the anxiety of which we are consciously aware.
Anxiety, as used in family systems theory, encompasses the total human response
to the perception of threat, real or imagined. It comes with human life. It may
belong to all protoplasm. And yet basic to the process of self-differentiation
is the task of consciously working at regulating one's anxiety. This includes
acknowledging the anxiety and intentionally regulating one's reactivity to it.
It is hard, daily work. It is never done in the sense of being finished. But
the leader engaged in self-differentiation accepts the challenge. She/he knows
that change in the emotional process is facilitated by focusing upon the
modification of one's own behavior rather than the functioning of others.
One of the most significant
contributions of family systems theory is its awareness of the
multi-generational nature of much of our anxiety. Not only does our anxiety
come with the territory of being human, it comes in unique ways as part of the
territory of being human in our particular family systems. This can be a source
of despair as we find ourselves living out the reactive patterns of past generations,
but it can also be a source of growth and change as we consciously face and
rework those patterns. Therapy and healing in a family systems model involve
such reworking and the freedom discovered through this process enables one to
better regulate reactivity in the present.
I have learned from my personal
experience, my experience with parents I have coached and pastors and other
leaders who participate in our workshops that the people who are able to become
less anxious and less reactive are the ones who are involved in learning more
about their own family of origin.
Michael Kerr writes:Learning enough about the multi-generational
emotional history of one's family to change the way one thinks about the family
and about oneself probably contributes more to the effort to 'grow up' than
anything else a person can do. 1
Bowen Theory offers practical
help in this endeavor by providing a lens through which one is able to view
relationship systems. The concept of the emotional triangle enables one to
actually observe the emotional process which - - although always present and
ultimately determinative - - is in most situations outside of conscious
awareness. To "see" the impact of others upon oneself, the impact one
has on others and the impact others have on each other equips leaders with a
valuable resource for self-regulation. This is why understanding the theory is
so essential, and why the ongoing Leadership In
Ministry Workshops are the main focus of my present ministry. A person does not
learn to think this way by reading a book or attending a seminar. Learning to
"think process" and not focus only upon content is a multi-year
process itself.
(2) Self-definition.
Self-regulation is the internal dimension of this process; self-definition is
the external dimension. Here the focus shifts to the communication of self to
other selves, and I include all the various forms
communication can and will take. To define self is to give expression to the
thoughts, values and goals one holds dear. It includes taking stands. To use
biblical language, it is self-revelation. I have come to understand this as one
of my major tasks as a pastor. My responsibility is to get clear about what I
think and believe and communicate those thoughts and beliefs in words and
actions - - not to get others straight about what they should think and
believe.
To focus upon clarifying and
communicating one's own ideas and goals is an invitation for others to do the
same. When a parent takes a stand that clearly expresses his or her true thoughts
and values, other family members are challenged to function differently. When a
pastor is able to preach the sermon that clearly and non-reactively expresses
what the pastor believes about the emotionally loaded issue facing the
congregation, the people are invited and challenged to clarify and express
their beliefs - - and some will. And when the resistance of those who are most
reactive surfaces - - as it most probably will - - if the pastor and other
leaders are able to maintain that clarity of definition, the congregation
stands its best chance of actually responding to the situation in faithfulness
and obedience. It might even act redemptively.
Coercion is a basic ethical
issue for leaders. It is my experience that leaders who are working at their own
self-definition are better able to resist the temptation to will others into
compliance with their ideas and goals. Whatever is meant by the phrase
"the will of God," it does not mean that God violates the freedom and
responsibility that is part and parcel of our God-created humanity. When
willing others to "be" or "do" is the posture of a leader,
trust in self-definition has been abandoned and a path of coercion that can
only lead to a conflict of wills has been chosen.
(3) Connectedness.
Self-differentiating leaders work at self-regulation and self-definition while
maintaining connection to their relational systems. They realize that they
cannot affect an emotional system of which they are not a part. It is important
for newly arrived leaders to take the time to become connected to their new
system. It is especially important to maintain this connectedness when
resistance is encountered because of the leader's self-differentiating
behavior. At such times a leader is tempted to either give up or cut off. But if the leader persists, does not withdraw or quit and remains
connected and on course, a system stands the best chance of dealing creatively
with challenge.
Friedman referred to a leader's
ability to maintain a posture of non-reactive persistence - - staying on course
in the face of resistance - - as "the key to the kingdom." Although
leaders may seem surprised and disappointed by the reactivity of others to what
they consider their creative self-differentiated leadership efforts, resistance
is actually systemic in nature. It comes with the territory.
Self-differentiated leadership disturbs the homeostasis, the
"balance", of an emotional system. The resistance is the
"kickback" of the systemic forces themselves to this "loss of
balance" - - even if the original condition was one of "stuckness." In contrast to the "rearrangement of
symptoms" that often passes for change, systemic change includes
resistance to the unfamiliar and therefore uncomfortable readjustment that is
necessary to move to a new state of balance.
The resistance will most
probably be experienced by leaders in one or both of its two major expressions:
sabotage and/or seduction. Resistance as sabotage is perhaps most easily
recognizable. Although the sabotage can take many forms, it is usually
expressed through acts of either active or passive attempts to block the change
or attack the perceived would be "changers," usually the leadership.
Resistance as seduction, although less easily recognized as resistance, may be
the more deadly and effective form. It may even be experienced as support for
the leader, when in reality it is an invitation for the leader not to stay the
course. After I went public with my decision to retire from pastoral ministry,
I encountered both forms of resistance from the same couple. On one occasion
the husband angrily attacked me for thoughtlessly "forsaking the
congregation," while at another time the wife tearfully told me that the
congregation just could not get along without my wonderful leadership.
A Concluding Word of
Caution:
Experience has not changed my
belief that when the leadership ("L") position is filled by a leader
(or leaders) who is moving forward in his/her own process of
self-differentiation, any system stands the best chance of dealing creatively with
- - rather than simply reacting to - - change and challenge. However, because I
am increasingly aware that such creative responses do not come easily or
quickly, I am learning to add a word of caution. They may not even come at all.
The presence of self-differentiated leadership offers "the best
chance" of such a possibility happening, but it is not a guarantee that
the system will respond instead of react.
The payoff of leadership
through self-differentiation may not be what we think such a supposedly more
insightful understanding of leadership ought to deliver - - success of the
endeavor and approval for the leader. This understanding of leadership focuses
upon the leader and not upon the outcome of the leader's efforts. Viewed
through the emotional process lens of family systems theory,
"leadership" is not about "them" or "success" but
about self - - self-regulation, self-definition, self-differentiation. The
payoff is self.
1. Kerr, Michael E. & Bowen, Murray: Family Evaluation . W. W. Norton & Co., 1988, p. 309.
Revised 4/2/02